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December 2003 editorial: Conspiracy Theory

(The short version)

Author: Scott Faller - TNT USA
Published: October, 2003............the end of recorded time as we know it.

I don't know if any of you were paying attention but Friday, October 24 at precisely 2:33.17 CST (+6:00 GMT) were are going to be attacked by a fearsome Magnetic Storm (Magneticus Interruptus). The epicenter of this momentus event is going to be St Louis Missouri, as I am told. Supposedly this storm is going to be caused by a Solar Flare or some such astrophysical-psychobabble. Well...I think otherwise.

Personally, I've discovered that these Solar Flares are just an elaborate ruse to cover up the fact that Bill Gates and Dr. Omar Bose want to take over the modern world as we know it. Sources tell me that both of these so-called leaders have an alternate agenda. The magnetic fields caused by these storms will disrupt (destroy) everything electronic. The Bill Gates prophecy has every computer in the world being destroyed so he can force everybody into buying Windows XP.

Dr. Omar Bose has a little more devious scheme. See, as part of this heavy magnetic storm, all common ferrite magnets will become instantaneously de-magnetized, even those "shielded" ones, thus rendering our low efficient, ultra-phile speakers useless. Again, sources tell me that Dr. Omar Bose, in a Machiavellian move, has constructed a super-secret, magnetically shielded, warehouse somewhere in the Mohave Desert. After the storms have subsided, he plans on flooding the market with the only "good" stereos remaining.

Well, I'm protected from all of this (I think). First, vacuum tubes, high efficiency speakers and vinyl will remain un-effected buy these magnetic blasts. See, Alnico is right next to Kryptonite on the Period Table of Elements. Alnico is so strong that that it will be impervious to the evil tactics of the Dark Lords.

Next, valves remain safe because they aren't transistors (well duh). Transistors are planned to go up in smoke when all this hits sometime today. See, Dr Bose has been secretly buying up all of the transistors on the world market and storing them at is high tech, shielded warehouse. Now, you tube amp owners are going to be in trouble if your amp doesn't have valve rectification. Those bridge rectifiers and hexfreds are going to vaporize also. I'm safe, my 2A3 uses a 5AR4 rectifier but just to be on the safe side I've protected them too.

Vinyl isn't magnetic (oh....really?) but those of you "CD only" music lovers are going to be dead meat. As I've been told, even the metal used in the production of CD's is going to melt under the bombardment of these rays from outer space. The only audiophiles that will be protected are the ones that have huge record collections and valves. Oh, I forgot to mention, if you are using a moving magnetic cartridge on your tone arm, you better kiss it goodbye, quick, cause its going to be sacrificed at 2:33 today. We will all be forced into upgrading to moving coil cartridges. Hmmmmm…..I wonder if the people at Lyra have a part in this master plan.

Now, as a last ditch effort to protect myself and my lovely wife, I've devised some protective gear to shield our cranial regions. I call it the Farheaday Cage (you know, like a Faraday cage). While I'm keeping the exact specifications confidential, I will tell you that it is the ultimate in protection. Although this unassuming looking device may seem to be common household aluminum foil, it is not. It's constructed of a secret blend heavy duty aluminum alloys that have been tested on the Mir Space Station. These alloys have been Rhodium plated for maximum reflectivity and then cryogenically treated to stress relieve these space aged materials. Following the Biot-Savart Law, I've concocted a Star Grounding pattern that attaches to my ........ well......I won't show you those pictures. That should take care of any stray magnetic forces.

If you notice, I have left strategic openings in my Farheaday Cages. These are so my sensory receptors can pick up the first signs of trouble. This way I can see, smell, taste or hear those little magnetic bastards coming my way. As a further defense I plan on using my Radio Shack Tape Head De-Magnetizer as a Light Sabre.....of sorts. Next up in my arsenal is my trusty sound meter. Hopefully it can warn me if those little ultrasonic turds try to sneak up on me. There might be one flaw in my plan........ I hope the electric stays on.

See, I refuse to surrender to the Darth Vader's of the computer and Audio world.

Just in case my contraptions don't work for me and my lovely bride, I just took out an insurance policy. I thought about this next one long and hard. I've come to the decision to leave my three kids (and dog) unprotected. I want to continue to observe them as part of my ongoing experiments. Fret not, I watch them under a controlled environment and I'll report back if things appear to go awry.

I am a little concerned about my cables and interconnects. They are going to be left unprotected to but I guess they will have to fend for themselves.

I just thought everybody should know about the devastation that is about to happen. I hope in some small way I have helped to prevent the extinction of an entire species of audiophiles (Siliconus Erectus of the low-e subset).
It's that or I'm hearing voices again.

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© Copyright 2003 Scott Faller - www.tnt-audio.com

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